Tuesday, 18 April 2017

A Leaked Document: First Draft of Theresa May’s Speech Announcing a Snap General Election (Which I Found in Amongst My Dirty Washing)

Dearest Peoples of Britain,

I've had some pita bread with eggplant and feel inspired. Equally, I just received a call from Gibraltar informing me that my husband has been cured of his baldness. They removed his head. What wonders of medicine!

But to the point, I feel it necessary to call a snap general election, or a crocodile election as mummy and daddy used to call it before they died of good weather in ‘98. Granted, I've always wanted to call one of these, if only to honour their memory, and, today, I feel invigorated. How odd! When I woke up this morning my thoughts were a bundle of rags. I couldn't find my bottom lip and merely wanted to sit in and watch Sherlock all day. Perhaps I've been reading too much Kafka of late but I'm really starting to enjoy mainstream television. When done well, I think it offers answers to some of the great questions. For one, is existence true of itself a priori or, rather, an empirical variable? And most importantly, at what point should one invoke causal inference to ascertain the probability of God's existence? After a good omnibus of EastEnders I am not afraid to say with frank assurance that existence is an alcoholic Cossack tenor and God a hypochondriac. If only the stars would align! And where is Spinoza's sandal in all of this?

Back to the announcement though and, hopefully, my point... When I was a child I dreamed of being a great cyclist but that was a pipedream. I never could get far without stabilisers. Instead, I now hope to establish a democratic dictatorship and, if the patent is still available, term it ‘Dictocracy’. The defining qualities and necessary precursors to establishing a stable and effective Dictocracy are as follows:

1) Get your 100m swimming certificate.

2) Only ever iron your sleeves. Never use cufflinks.

3) Learn to distinguish between the philosophies of Michael Foucault and Dawn French.

4) Read all Colin Forbes novels while stringently taking notes.

5) Appreciate fine wine and lobster.

6) Sing the hallelujah chorus while violently stabbing your servant with a couple of blunt pencils.

7) Cook naked.

8) Mistake Jeremy Corbyn for a well-trained llama. 

9) Don’t get caught goose-stepping.

10) Only make love in accordance with the teachings of Isosceles. 

11) Adhere to all speed limits and never do heroin on weekdays. 

For the sake of clarity and posterity, points 1 and 5 are interdependent. Point 2 requires an understanding of Neo-Hegelian Post-Modern chastity ethics. Point 7 may be bypassed in the event of shingles but this is not recommended if hypocrisy is valued (which it most certainly should be). 

Critics will view and inevitably disregard this policy as misanthropic political playtime but that is because they are uneducated dung-hoarders. We all know the kind. It is, however, imperative for all to recognise that this country must be brought together. I will never accept the argument that equality will achieve this. Equality is the whore of Satan. Those who dispute this shall be subject to wire-tapping and dodgy plumbing. Moreover, I truly believe that I have been sent by a being beyond our comprehension to carry seventy million people to safety. Safety from checks and balances. Safety from governmental accountability. Safety from European cuisine which, as we all know, is often undercooked. Instead, I am proud to usher in a new and exciting era of Dictocracy. The Queen has agreed to this on the basis she’s allowed to colonise the Costa Del Sol and get a new wig. Please trust me on this. Grant me a majority as large as John Prescott’s belly and I shall reward you all with two free tickets to Butlins. 

Thanking you kindly, 

Your Significant Leader

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