Thursday, 30 March 2017

A Dictum on the Increasing Prevalence of Coffee in Modern Society

I'm an open minded man who is familiar with the works of Channing Tatum but I can't deny that I've been left stunned by the increasing prevalence of coffee in modern society. Why are so many choosing to damage their teeth in this way and forgo healthier options such as the milkshake? There's now a coffee shop on every corner and a coffee addict behind every marriage. People drink it as though their nose is on fire and come the end of a day are often found aimlessly running around graveyards complaining about the onset of a strident work ethic and the odd headache. Furthermore, I fear that failings in the state education system have left the public numb and even ignorant to the role of baristas as the foot soldiers of a brutally oppressive cult. Consider one barista who while on annual leave was caught goose-stepping through Benidorm chanting “make it a strong one!” Consider another who listed her own grandmother as a rare antique on Craigslist and after a successful sale only mailed her second class. Let me also cite a third and final example of how far the problem has gone: A lady who worked nine to five in an office for deporting roosters and who boasted a firm grasp of Winston Churchill's dress sense was lumped with the role of ‘coffee-go-getter’. There used to be a rota but no one told her this. So each morning she had to go down to The H. Himmlar Coffee Co. and order on behalf of her colleagues, many of whom had never seen a sun tan and weren’t even familiar with the oeuvre of AndrĂ© Lhote. Having to order for over two hundred workers exerted a lot of pressure on her knees but the real tragedy, and the one which I feel really proves my point, is that being continually exposed to the smell of coffee left her unable to vote objectively anymore. I’m confident there is nothing more to say on the topic.

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