Tuesday, 10 May 2016

Billy's Birthday Surprise

Billy had a birthday today. It's was his very own birthday for many years ago he had been born to an ugly mother who was now in jail for doing away with piggy old daddy. As he awoke to the sight of wasps invading his favourite wardrobe he thought quite aloud, "goodness gracious, tis my forty-fifth birthday today and I am yet to tie my shoe laces all on my lonesome. One day I shall learn."

Yes, that truly was a terrible manner in which to awake on one's forty-fifth birthday but it happened truthfully nonetheless. Many don't believe the wickedness that followed but he made a cup of coffee (not the strongest in the world for he was at odds with caffeine) and sat on a stool in the parlour. 

All of a sudden, bang went the front door and Billy trembled on his stool and dropped his coffee all over his hand which scolded it rather dreadfully. "Who's at my door?" he shouted in a very scaredy manner.

"It's grandmother", came the reply and this made Billy feel stupid for dropping his coffee all over his hand which was now sore and red and hurting almost too much to bear. Never mind that though. He arose like a disgraced saint and opened the door.

Wallop did grandmother over his stupid fat head and stamp many times on his burnt hand. "You're the worst and dimmest grandchild in the land Billy you good for nothing runt". And so she rightfully and eagerly bundled him into a coffin and buried him in the garden. Good riddance Billy and happy birthday you stupid toe rag.


Important Footnote- The Police Commissioner agreed that no wrongdoing had been committed but rather a great service to the community had been done and so grandmother was decorated in a public ceremony in the town square. A happy day 'twas it.

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