Sunday, 26 August 2012

The Sudden Death of My Wife

The sudden death of my wife, who went by the name Esmeralda, meant that things were finally on the up. I had been trying to rid myself of the poor cow for a good fifteen years when she took it upon herself to venture onto the roof of our house. I knew the roof wouldn’t hold her for she weighed more than any woman I had ever known but I figured her weight might finally work in my favour so I let her go ahead.

I was sat merrily playing with my model railroad when I heard a great clatter upstairs. It was obvious that something had gone askew so I climbed the stairs like a child descending the stairs on Christmas morning. When I entered the bedroom I found my wife's large body sprawled on the floor and I shan’t deny that a grin snuck onto my face. I was a bastard, for sure, but if you had ever got to know my wife you wouldn’t hold it against me. Nonetheless, I stood for a few minutes and just stared at her motionless body before calling for an ambulance.

When the ambulance arrived I was sipping a cup of tea brewed to perfection. I could make the meanest cup of tea ever, in fact, it was one of the things that helped me win over Esmeralda back when we were both young and she wasn’t so gigantic. In fact, even throughout the bad times we knew that we could always agree on one thing – that my tea was fucking fantastic.

All that aside, I let the paramedics into the house and offered them a cup of my tea but they refused, clearly unaware of what they were missing out on. Next, I led them upstairs and they checked my dead wife’s pulse and both agreed that she was very, very dead. I asked them how she died and one of them replied; ‘She fell through the roof.’

I watched on as the two paramedics carried my ex-wife to the ambulance but I must admit that I did so while feeling rather sorry for them; carrying Esmeralda was a job for ten paramedics. I could see it in their eyes that they now detested my ex-wife too and they hadn’t even known her when she was alive! It was hard to watch on my part and they were both sweaty as hell when they finally shut the ambulance doors and drove off to deliver my extremely dead wife to the mortuary.

When I got back in the house I let out a sigh of relief. Freedom really was something and, so, I decided to celebrate with another cup of tea for you can never have too much tea. It was a wonderful moment as I sat there sipping my tea but my exuberance was short-lived when I realised that my stupid ex-wife had broken the God damn roof. 

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