Thursday, 22 March 2012

How To Be a Good Loser

Inspired by my recent failings at the Paddon Award.

How To Be a Good Loser 

Losing is an art. You have to sit there with a smile on your face and politely clap as you watch that stupid, smug, narcissistic expression emerge on the winners face.  It’s a drag. That said, some people claim to be good losers though I doubt there is such a thing. The good losers are those who had no chance of winning in the first place but feel best placed to offer advice to both winners and losers. One might refer to them as failures with far too much to say. Nonetheless, it would appear that even though we really are all terrible losers on the inside, there is in fact an art to being a good loser on the outside. I have compiled a quick list of things to remember if you wish to come across as a good loser.


·         Clap when the winner is announced.
·         Pretend that you never expected to win and that this is just another day in the life of a genius who,   for some reason, was having an off-day.
·         Smile like a fool.
·         Agree with everyone else that the winner was a worthy winner.
·         Pretend that whatever it was you would have won is not important to you and that even if you had won you would have only accepted the award to avoid offending those giving it out.
·         Casually walk over to the winner and offer your congratulations.
·         Tell the winner that they deserved to win and you wish them the best of luck for the future.
·        Convince yourself it has been a good experience and remind yourself of the old clich√© that ‘you can’t win them all’.
·         Keep your head.


·         Cry.
·         Smile through gritted teeth.
·         Blame the judges for being hypocritical, self-centred, untalented, useless pricks.
·         Throw a chair (or any inanimate object) across the room at the winner when you find out you have lost.
·         Pull out a gun.
·         Burn down the nearest tree.
·         Feign injury or illness – even if you were injured or ill no one would believe you.
·         Collapse in shock that your world-changing piece of work has not won.
·         Push in on the winner’s success. You lost and, therefore, no one cares about you – chances are they’ve already forgotten who you are and why you’re there.
·         Spit on the floor in disgust.
·         Laugh aloud on announcement of the winner.
·         Find the nearest cup of scolding hot coffee and throw it at someone you don’t like the look of.
·        Walk over to the winner and tell them to make the most of the moment because they won’t come close to winning anything again for the rest of their pathetic, little lives.
·         Tell the winner that you hope they trip over on the way home.
·         Make a voodoo doll resembling the winner, return home and stick pins in it.
·        Clap too loudly – people will notice and realise that you’re overcompensating because you loathe the winner.
·         Threaten to murder the judges in their beds.
·         Act on your suicidal tendencies.

If you conform to this list then you are indeed a massive phoney but at least you won’t be banished to Siberia. I can’t compile a ‘How to Be a Good Winner’ list until I actually win something. Either way I hope that this list helps all future losers to be good losers.

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